ok, so i must say this. Thank You. Both of you. it's great knowing that you guys are there for me. sorry i haven't been too talkative and not very friendly. some things are just... well, one day i will explain but i can't do that now. mentally, i can't. i'm doing good to forget for the few hours a day that i can, explaining would make me cry. bottom line - no one is hurt, everything will be ok, i need time. lots and lots. like years. lately, as in the past 5 min, the one thought to describe it is "worst break-up in the history of... me" ha. except i wasn't dating them. but, nonetheless, it's a break-up. that's all i can give now. thanks again and sorry i'm not talking about it.

Prison gates won’t open up for me
On these hands and knees I’m crawling
Oh, I reach for you

Well I’m terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can’t hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I’m calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m falling
I'm falling

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me

Heaven’s gates won’t open up for me
With these broken wings I’m falling
And all I see is you

These city walls ain’t got no love for me
I’m on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I’m calling
And all I need from you
Hurry I’m falling
I'm falling

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me
Hurry I’m falling

Yeah, yeah-hey

And all I need is you
Come please I’m calling
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I’m falling
I'm falling
I'm falling

Show me what it’s like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I’ll show you what I can be
And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me
Hurry I’m falling

And say it for me
Say it to me
And I’ll leave this life behind me
Say it if it’s worth savin' me

Savin' Me - Nickelback

i believe this qualifies as the weirdest birthday i've ever had.

thanks for the picture! me gusta mucho.

i've come to a few very important realizations tonight. it's lindsey's fault.

i don't know what to do. i shouldn't care but i do. i need to fix this.

the girls night was successful in my opinion, thanks for attending.

best present ever was... totally and completely unexpected, and didn't cost them a cent.

if this is what it's like to be legal, can i relinquish that right?

it was easier this morning, before actually facing myself.

what good is being legal? i know, i can "vote... and stuff" ha. i laugh.

what exactly is this "stuff" one speaks of? yeah, i'll never know the orignal thought but still.

i'm so random tonight. sleep time. pray i figure things out, and soon. this is too strange and complicated.

i wish it would quit increasing in oddness...

hey you guys! uh. no idea what to say. uh... well, i have nothing to say but i just wanted you to know that i haven't forgot about this, so when something seems worthy of being typed, i'll update

erin - i can't comment on your xanga but if i could i would say "i like, i like, i like... very very very much." in regard to your pictures. awesome work.

whit - uhhh... nosotros necessitamos hablar en espanol pero uhhhh... i can't remember any!! haha. random thoughts, don't ya love'em? and don't ya love how i can't spell spanish words either? hahahahah. k, so it's not that funny... oh well. :)

hey you two!! comments - made me smile. listening to the cd whit-it made me. once again, makes me smile. all in all, i'd say i've been very happy today. this is very poorly written. erin, sorry the note went nowhere, i completely forgot what i was planning on say cause believe it or not, i actually had something in mind to say and then i forgot. that's ok though, i can always write another note if need be.

oh!! rugby spirit wear hopefully soon! that's not that exciting but like i said, i'm very happy. i think i'll finish later, jozef's coming, no!!!!!!!

spring break is not so good.
i'm not so good.
i'm starting to realize that i knowingly push people away.
i take advantage of situations.
i indirectly make people do things that i know i'll get mad at them about later.
oh well, it's tuesday. tuesdays are never good.
it must get better.
things aren't too bad considering i have the cutest white cat sitting on my lap helping me type.
all together now: AWWWW!!! mazi = perfection at mopey times like this

so i've decided the most annoying thing on the computer is when people update on xanga and it says they did but they make the entry private. why update in the first place?

aside from that, all is going... very well. *currently impoving situation more, yay*

i'm still alive. i still use this. i just don't know what to type. there's so much going on but i'm having a difficult time figuring it out in my own head, let alone explaining it to others. i think i'm doing the right thing but of course i doubt myself sometimes. what i do know for sure is that a meeting MUST happen next weekend. if things continue as i predict they will, there will be much to catch up on. k, rugby practice. oh, i could write about rugby... that could be entertaining. i'll do that soon. one word for now: BAD. whit, ya agree?

um, life is a rollar coaster. i think i'm getting sick to my stomach. too many g-forces at once.

good news: i'm very very happy

bad news: i'm happy for all the wrong reasons

oh well, i'll take being this happy whenever i can get it.

unrelated side note, for the first time i can remember, i was unhappy with the fact it was cloudy.

i am satisfied with just about everything that was bothering me before.

i should go to bed before i find something to ruin this feeling.

good night.

erin, i hope you feel better soon!

whit, you were missed tonight, and i have several funny/not-so-funny, but still good, stories to catch you up on.

so, it happened again. my "project" just ruined everything. i had myself convinced it was all over. well, leave it to him to change my mind. grrr. aside from that, i can't sit still
dance dance
falling apart
these are the lives
i'm talking to a good buddy right now. who happens to be at purdue. he's nice.
i keep moving.
i know, i wish it would rain.
i know in my heart of hearts, i'm never going to hold you again.
mmk, some lines mean something, others are lyrics to songs that are playing.
enough randomness, bye!!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

over 18 hrs.. pat has been here since 10 last night and he isn't leaving any time soon. ugh. i mean, i like him alot but well...

i'm lonely.

everywhere i go i'm surrounded by couples. even at church, i about laughed out loud. i couldn't believe it. this couple in front of me were hold hands and as if that wasn't enough, i glance over to my right and this old couple, 80-ish, were holding hands. that's cute and all but after friday night... couples. everywhere. gag me now. please.

80 year olds get more action that me. somethings wrong with that. lol.

mmk... no idea where to start. i'll just break it down by events.

james' house - i love his couches. plus i love the people there. so all in all, set things up for a very good evening
car ride - i love that car. and the people in it. what are we going to do without muk?
dinner - well, i haven't had that much fun at dinner in a long time, and i think half the credit goes to whit. food wasn't the best but the company made up for that completely.
marsh - what? lol. i still don't know why we went there...
pre-movie - aside from giving tom a full show and getting beat at poker, hanging out was incredible. to be honest, i definitely thought we (erin, whit, and i) were growing apart. that thought is gone, totally. more specifically, i thought that you guys didn't want me around any more, but that was just me being paranoid.
movie - mmm... once again, movie wasn't that great but the company... i haven't just let go and relaxed like that for a long time. i quit worrying about what people would think. i needed that.
car ride - once again, the car. ahhh... you guys would love it. then well, something made me really happy but i'll tell you guys cause i learned my lesson with my last journal about people finding it.
taking muk home - i will miss him so much. especially the random calls to spiff asking "whose your mistress?" haha, good times.

all in all, it was an amazing night. you two made my evening, as much as i love the guys, i needed some time with my best friends. i feel like lately i've been kinda sad/unhappy and this weekend just made me do a 180. the combination of last night, today's weather, and the prospect of a new semester has me feeling really good.

lol, ya know what i just realized, while proof-reading for stupid mistakes, my entries are kinda like notes to you guys. haha, for some reason i find that quite funny...

last night = amazing

more details later...

um... yeah. not much to say aside from i'm starting to get over what has made my week so bad. i think i've finally come to terms with it and yes, i'm not happy about it, but all i can do is learn from it. so it seems to me that most likely i will be attending marian college due to several reasons. but wait, since i love school so much, it's also seeming like i shall be attending IUPUI after i graduate from marian. ya know, when my dad first talked to me about this possibility, i thought he was crazy, but now i'm starting to think it might be something i would like to look into. i dunno, we'll see. still got plenty of time...

um... i feel like crying. i have no motivation. i have no drive. i have no way of getting what, i mean who, i want. i hate that i can't just let go. i want out of this school. away from everyone and everything i have ties with. i know i would miss everyone so much and running would not fix things, but at times it seems like the best option. where did the life i had this summer go? is this what happens when you grow up? when you realize the stupidity in every situation and can't stand it? when people disappoint you by doing things you yourself would have done 6 months ago? why have i grown to expect so much from certain people when i know that i expect to much? why can't i have him? why can't i have what my sister has? why do i want what she has? i've never been jealous of her like this. i've never been so confused with him. it's my senior year... i think i'm already done. screw the next 6 months.


ok, a bunch of random thoughts. several different topics, you'll have to forgive. alot on my mind, sorry.

Band tour...

as much as i wish things could return to the way they used to be, i fear they never will.

that may be for the best though, i can hope at least.

i miss the old times. funny how one week can divide the old times from the current times.

this is when we all move on and hope things work themselves out. silent pleas echo in my head.

... destroyed us.


*disclaimer* no grudge is being held, no anger is felt, no attempt to make reconciliation more difficult is being made.

Yesterday was crazy. Sorry I didn't go to pep band. I was gone from 11 am till 9 pm. Here's how my day went:

- watched Love Actually (very good movie)
- left home
- car
- marion college
- car
- bamzie's to shovel snow
- car
- walked dogs
- car
- cardinal fitness
- car
- tuesday morning
- car
- marion college
- car
- bamzie's house
- car
- khols
- car
- payless shoes
- car
- atlanta bread company
- old navy
- car
- home (literally ran in and ran out)
- car
- dogs
- car
- dropped marija off at kerasotes
- car
- walked dogs
- car
- got home

I feel like I spent the entire day in the car.

- I am in the process of completing this lab except for one minor issue: I don't have all the papers I need. This is quite un-nerving seeing as it is due on Tuesday. I suppose I will just write this formal lab without knowledge of the format. I shall hope that I remember what I learned from the previous lab.
- I want so much right now. I shouldn't really want it, and yes, I will admit, I am a jealous person when it comes to certain people. As I was reminded by Whit, my day will come. I must be patient, although that is not my best quality.
- I want to get some fires started.
- The parade was splendid. I actually enjoyed today, and I will miss band. I will miss putting on those uniforms. I will miss the atmosphere when getting dressed. I will miss the frantic striping process after we finish whatever task we had to complete.
- I love the song "you're beautiful" by james blunt.